This thought isn't random at all. It's an unfortunate recurring thought that happens at random times.
When I was about 8 years old I loved to play checkers with my Grandfather. He loved to play checkers too (or so it seemed to me). More accurately, I loved to win at checkers. I think he liked to win too. Grandpa lived on a farm about 10 miles from town. We would go visit on weekends. After a great Sunday dinner while dad was snoozing on the sofa (he was fun to pester while he was trying to sleep - he took it pretty well), if the weather was bad, Grandpa and I would play checkers. He had an old card table with a checker board on it and a set of old wooden checkers. I always knew where to find them.
After a long game which ended with Grandpa chasing me around the board in a no-hope situation (for me), it was clear that I was about to lose and that Grandpa wasn't going to make a mistake (intentional or otherwise). Finally, in a fit of frustration and immaturity, I kicked the table over and ran away. Upon further review, I was very embarrassed over my behavior. I owed Grandpa an apology.
I held that apology to deliver "someday when the time was right" Our relationship was never quite the same (at least to me). It was always a bit tentative. I certainly can't point to any behavior on his part that would support this change in the relationship. It was all me. That undelivered apology was in the way.
It stayed that way for years. The obligation to apologize for my inappropriate behavior hung in the air at every occasion but I couldn't bring myself to approach the delicate topic. The more time passed, the harder it seemed to find a way to bring up an "old subject." But the obligation didn't go away (it shouldn't have).
A few days after he passed away (when the sense of loss was not overwhelming), it occurred to me that I would never have that "someday" to apologize. My feelings of anxiety around an important obligation instantly turned to regret. A regret that had no apparent ending. No way out.
Now that regret haunts me at random times like this. I can never forget kicking that table over 40+ years ago, the look of surprise on his face.
About Me
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- Paddle
- An outdoorsman with a deep love of nature trapped inside by a well paying desk job.
1 comment:
I bet he just thought it was age appropriate behavior. I bet he even felt a tinge of pride at your spunk.
and sometimes a direct apology just makes everyone uncomfortable. sometimes the best way is to just move on.
did you ever play checkers on that table again? if you did, and he didnt ask for an apology then, he was over it.
if you didn't, just asking to play again would have been the opening to the topic and he might have said 'are you gonna blow up like last time?' and you coulda given a sheepish no and that would have been it.
but like i said, i bet he was it differently than you did and i bet there was some pride in the way he saw it.
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